A Dead Man Walking
by Blood thirsty animal
Summary: Merlin cant seem to mend his broken heart, While he tries to find a way to become human, someone finds out his secret, someone close to Arthur the king, what will happen when Arthur finds out, will Merlin still be the idiot that Arthur thinks he is or will he be a traitor?
1. A Plan

**_((hey guys short first chapter of the new story that i am writing, i hope you guys like it, many of you have asked me to write a suicidal fic and that is what i am doing, sorry that i haven't updated in a while, didn't have much inspiration. anyways please as i usually ask, please please please review and tell me what you think, i always love to read your comments, whether there giving me praise or telling me how i should write it, please give me some tips also, it's much appreciated, thank you to all my readers, i love you all.))_**

Doubt, worry, loss, depression all these things graced his mind.

Merlin never used to feel this way, in the past few years the young Warlock had seen things that tore at his heart strings, his best friends death. Maybe he would have felt better about it If he had been allowed to mourn him, but it still stung his heart even though it was years ago now.

His fathers death, his first love and now Lancelot. His heart was broken, it had never really mended itself.

He closed his eyes from where he stood atop of the roof to the castle. No one ever came up so nobody would no he was there. It was his little spot looking out at the kingdom where he could come to cry. He hadn't told anyone about this spot not even Lancelot.

He felt tears form in his eyes as he thought about his dead friend. It was his fault and nobody blamed him. His mind was reeling, his friends death had been almost a year ago now. Arthur was king and had finally made Gwen his Queen. The knights had each other. Sure Merlin had Gwaine but his friend was mostly in the tavern and when he wasn't there he was talking about it.

Merlin shook his head as he realised how unneeded he truly was, everybody had someone but he had no one. His eyes opened onto the view and realised that his feet had moved, he was looking like he was about to jump.

Sure it would solve his problems but it wasn't the best way to go out, with his guts splattered on the stone ground, there were better ways to go and he could think of many, to many bad things had happened to him, he couldn't bare another one.

He wasn't going to let himself be given bad news anymore, he couldn't bare the idea of his mother dieing or someone else dieing, his heart would truly die then. His mind was made up almost, the one thing that was giving him an ounce to live was the dragon.

Kilgarrah would try and remind him about his destiny. In his eyes destiny could go pick on someone else.

He was done caring about himself and other people, but he couldn't leave just yet, he needed to make sure it was safe when he left. He began walking back, down from the roof and into the castle.

People needed food to live and he had gone quite a while without food before. Yes it had been slow and painful but it still let him stay. That would be his way out, a slow and painful death that would keep others alive.

His mind seemed to wander as he made his way back to his quarters. Where had the innocent, joking and a little bit daring Merlin gone, who was this person replacing him? One part of him wanted to starve and the other wanted to plow through.

Though would that even work? Could his heart ever be mended? His mind didn't think so and neither did his torn heart.

The door opened to show the young Warlock's quarter and he gave a small smile to his mentor that fortunately didn't look up at him, if the old man had looked up he probably would have seen a scary sight. A young Warlock that looked like he had aged to be young again but had eyes that were far to old, his face unusually pale and at the back of his eyes death lingered, the boy seemed to be a dead man walking.

Said boy gave a small sigh as he closed the door to his room and lay on the small bed in his room, the red petaled flower which he had made to remember Freya sat in his hand from where he had just picked it up, the spell that he had once put on it still there. Keeping it alive and it's beauty never changing, just like the way he remembered her, alive and laughing at how he wasn't able to make a strawberry appear.

These were the times that he wished Freya was still alive, the days were he would lay awake in bed or sit on the windowsill looking out at the countryside beyond, dreaming of the life that they could of had. Again the word could or had was implied.

So many times had he wanted to blame Arthur but he still couldn't. His friend had only been doing what he thought was right, how could he hate someone for that?

He closed his eyes as his hand closed around the flower and he tried to fall asleep, hopefully his dreams would bring happier times, he loved to dream but recently it had all be about his friends and families deaths, it seemed that there was just no escaping them, the dark shadows under his eyes didn't lie.

His plan would soon be put into motion, he couldn't stay, he needed to go, he needed to be with the people that he loved and missed, he needed to tell them that he was sorry for getting them killed. After all it was because of him that none of them were alive.

He had been stupid and let his heart rule his head, this time though both his heart and his head were in agreement.

He was going to leave.


	2. Nightmares

**_((hey guys i hope you like this new chapter, hopefully it wasn't too dark, i did go a bit crazy with the nightmare sorry, anyways please tell me what you think and please please review i love to hear from you, so far thank you to everyone who has alerted, favorited and reviewed it means a lot to me that you read it and like it, so please keep doing it and please if you could tell your friends about it? i would really appreciate it and if you want i'll do the same for you, thank you so much.)) _**

After a night of sadness the Warlock woke up to darkness, it was still dark outside his window. What was going on? He never slept less then he needed to, he always got the right amount of sleep and would wake up just in time for breakfast.

His eyes washed around the unkempt room and didn't see anything immediately until he swooped round again. There sat on the windowsill was Freya, but how did she get there?

"Freya" a scared whisper emulated from his voice and the cursed girl moved round to face him. Though this wasn't the innocent girl that he knew and loved. This Freya was covered in blood by the wound on her shoulder that oozed and her eyes were black and revenge sounded off her tongue.

"You killed me" she whispered and as soon as the words left her mouth, she exploded into water, nothing was there except water on the floor. He felt like screaming but was aware that he was shaking. Somewhere in a distant part of his head he heard his name being called and he swam towards it.

The young Warlock woke with a cry as sweat poured from his forehead and a steady hand controlled him. His eyes went from the hand to the old face of his mentor Giaus and he found himself feeling relieved for a friendly face he knew about what he could do.

"Would you like to talk about it?" an old voice interjected the jumbled thoughts of Merlin's and he gave a sad shake of his head.

After all it wasn't the only nightmare that he had, had lately. He got them most nights now, which culminated in him having little sleep, each night he would see the face of someone he loved and each night they would blame him for either the actions of their deaths or for something that happened before he even met that person and it hurt.

He was powerless in his sleep.

Always he would be trapped for five minutes and then eventually he would hear either a soft voice or a soft shaking which would wake him. For the first few encounters in his dreams he would tell Giaus but now, he barely spoke to his mentor about it and the old man never pushed him or questioned it, he knew how hard it was for Merlin to remember any of his loved ones.

Some nights Merlin had resorted to trying sleep draughts that Giaus had tried making for Morgana- before she had left with a rage hellbent on taking the throne- but none of them worked, sometimes they would just make the dreams worse and then there was no escaping from the hell that plagued his nightmares, sometimes he would be trapped in memories, others he would be trapped underwater drowning and he would see Freya laughing from above, watching him drown.

He heard a sigh from the door and he shook his head slightly as he watched him mentor depart from his room. It was morning and obviously breakfast. He was starving after the dream and then he remembered what he had promised himself, no food just a slow exit. Of course he could have a little food, taking little nibbles would help him go about his day but hurt him in the long run.

Quickly he got ready in his daily clothes and skipped down the two little steps of his room like nothing was wrong in the world. He careful took a handful of berries and then waved goodbye to his trusted father figure and closed the door to the quarters. When the door closed his happy demeanour faded and he became left alone with his lonely thoughts again, he could feel the blackberries in his hand and he began chewing them, not really noticing the taste of his favourite fruit.

He was well and truly lost in his head, so many things were whizzing about there, right and wrong. Destiny and the dragons, nothing was safe in his life. Why did loved ones have to die for him to fore fill his destiny, it wasn't fair none of it was.

He felt himself breathe a sigh as he slipped into the room of one sleeping king. A man who should have had more responsibility on his shoulders then anyone else but it was safe to say that Merlin beat him in that department.

"Rise and shine, King Arthur, you have a big day ahead of you" the manservant shoved the curtains aside and found as much happiness from the depths of himself that he could muster and stood there waiting for the King to wake up, the man's breakfast balanced at the end of his bed and already the meat was making Merlin's stomach rumble like an ogre screaming.

"Did you get me the right breakfast this time, Merlin?" the snide yet jokey voice of an irritated king filled his mind as he watched one sleepy Arthur pull himself up and look at the food that was at the end of the bed and give a slight smile.

"Good, chores have been written down for you today as I've been requested in a council meeting all day that is top secret and is only allowed to be discussed by members so it means Merlin that I don't need to put up with you all day" the king gave a soft laugh as he heard the door open and watched as Gwen stalked through to get changed behind the screen after an hour of picking herbs for Giaus. With a quick getaway from Merlin, he took the list from his hands and unrolled it while walking down the corridor.

It read:-  
1) tidy room  
2)clean out horses  
3)clean clothes  
4)clean Armour  
5) clean boots

And the list just went on and on much to the sadness of Merlin, although he could get it all done with magic and then spend his day at the lake but at the same time he wasn't really ready to see his dead girlfriend again any time soon after the dreams.

His day was just going to have to be boring and lifeless, a day that magic was not used.

A day where he was human for a while.


	3. Finding

((**hey guys so im back and have decided after a long time to add another chapter to this story, i didn't know what i really wanted with this story but i think i do now, id love to hear what you think and if you guys would like to give me so ideas for my next chapter, i hope you like it, please read and review please please and i'll hopefully get another update out depending on what you guys think of this story, hope you like it. thank you everybody for your wonderful comments so far**))

The day was strangely cold with a bright sun shining in the sky. Merlin had ditched his chores, he couldn't take it, besides he could just lie and say that Giaus needed him for something more pressing.

At that point in time he was walking in the woods, his breath coming out in front of him, his feet beginning to get cold through his poorly insulated shoes. What was he even doing? Why did everything just seem to go wrong for him?

So many people had been killed for his destiny, Arthur and Gwen were married now, what more was left of his destiny? surely the now king was ready to be rid of his awful servant, what was stopping Merlin from leaving?

He let a sigh escape his cold mouth and kept walking his arms going around his skinny body, this did nothing to help with the cold but it was slightly reassuring in the fact that he made himself feel better. Of course he could have used magic to heat himself up but his magic was the reason why he was wondering in the first place.

He bit his lip as he kept on until he came to the familiar clearing that he would end up most nights when he needed to see his old and wisest friend. The great dragon and if on cue a beat of wings could be heard. Merlin may not have called him but he seemed to have a connection with the old creation. If Merlin was hurting the dragon could feel it so no surprise was due when the creature landed in front of him.

"What is ailing you young Warlock?" Kilgarrah's mighty voice seemed to boom through the trees and forest with great power yet his voice only just reached the tired Warlock.

"I don't know what i am doing, everyone has their own life and i am stuck in the past, my destiny is done, i did what i needed to do, Arthur is king and has his queen, he doesn't need me anymore." A whisper of a voice came back with a reply and an audible sigh could be heard from the mighty dragon.

"Merlin your destiny is far from over, yes Arthur may have his queen and be king but there are still threats out there, the enemy is making an alliance and a very strong one at that, Morgana and Mordred move in the shadows waiting for the right moment, if you were to leave Merlin you would jeopardise the very lives that you were born to protect, you cannot give up Merlin not yet" Kilgarrah seemed to let sadness take hold of his voice as the young Warlock looked up and tired not to cry.

His destiny was far from over, why could he just have some piece, why were more people going to have to inevitably die for him? And why wouldn't Morgana just give up? In all his thoughts he had almost forgotten about the young boy he had saved all those years ago the boy named Mordred although he would be more then a boy now and what magic he had, had then would have just strengthened, yes the dragon was right but why couldn't he just leave, find another witch or wizard to take over in his place and take all the glory.

"How long do you think we have till they attack" his whisper coming out a little louder then it had before.

"Morgana has not yet found the boy and has many other things to find, but she will find them and will eventually come, i cannot say how long this will all take, for i do not know, i have images and ideas of the future but nothing is set in stone Merlin, you know that better then anyone else, the future can be changed if you want it to be." With that the dragon departed leaving Merlin to his own thoughts, what should he do? should he go back to his old life of a servant and do all the chores that his "loving" master had set for him or should he wield a new path, one where he could do what he wanted but still watch over the King and Camelot? The future was not easy to shape and so was making decisions.

Merlin had never been good at that, it wasn't even his decision to move to Camelot in the first place. What should he do? sighing he began to leave the clearing and wonder back taking his time to find herbs on the way, if he didn't bring back herbs then his trip would have been a wasted one and it would show that he had been lying about helping Giaus and he wasn't going to let the king put him on stable duty or worse throw him in the stokes.

The king was looking for a reason to throw someone in the stokes recently and he just hoped that it wouldn't be him. He made himself walk faster and in his haste stumbled over a log that he had seen, he pushed himself up and stopped on his knees when he saw something, a plant that he had seen in one of his books, it was a herb, it was the ingredient needed to make himself human, yes many times before had he poured through the old book that Giaus had given him and wondered what he would need to make him human and even when he had tried to find the ingredients he couldn't find them, why now was he only able to find one of them? why was it suddenly making itself known?

With quick movements that he didn't know he possessed he grabbed a large chunk of the plant and hastily put it where people wouldn't be able to see it while collecting up the many herbs that he had dropped and making haste back to Camelot.

Soon he would be back and pouring over that old book again, maybe he would be able to find the next ingredient easily as well or maybe it would evade him, he wasn't to sure of his actions or what he wanted, but something soon was going to come to pass, something would shake him and make him see what he was missing or what he wasn't missing.

The day would soon come when he got what his head wanted instead of his heart.


	4. A Warlock's Mistake

((hey guys i hope you like this update, i decided to go a different way with this story, ive done a few of Merlin trying to turn himself human but i have never done one of him being caught using magic, tell me what you think please please review and hopefully if you do i might have an update up soon)).

The small room that was Merlin's seemed to be colder then the rest of the Castle, yet that did not upset the Warlock, he didn't feel it, he was stuck in his own world between sadness and loss.

Why couldn't he just leave? Leave his life of lying behind and find a place in the forest where he could be himself? He knew how to live without the Castle and its warm, Arthur had shown him that on many of their hunting trips.

A long sigh escaped his cracked lips and he fell back onto his bed and let his eyes drink up the ceiling, he could go during the night make it look like he had been taken? but then that would mean that Arthur would go looking for him, he could reveal his magic? Arthur trusted him and the prince had been opening up to magic for a while now, he was slowing starting to realise that not all magic was evil.

Again that was a stupid idea, he felt a silent tear slip from his eyes. Why did he have to be in this position? He never asked for it. The sky was still a beautiful blue outside his window, the king would be wanting him soon. Sitting up seemed to be a chore in itself as he pushed himself up with little pieces of strength. He moved his sorry limbs as he was out of his room and out of Gaius's main chamber in a few moments.

Gaius didn't seem to be there he was probably out helping patients. The walk to Arthur's chambers was slow and long as he finally found himself knocking on the King's chambers, no reply came from within and he pushed open the big doors to find a mess but no one there, sighing, just like the King to leave a mess and expect Merlin to just to clean it up.

He began his job and began to fall into his thoughts as he worked and after a few minutes he was using magic without a thought about it, things floating into different draws while he stood in the middle of the room with flourishing hands and glowing amber eyes while tears fell from his eyes while he faced the direction of the door not realising that he could be seen by a pair of chocolate eyes.

xxxxxxxxx

Gwen sighed as she listened to her Husband in court, he was handsome and intelligent but court to her was boring, men would just talk so much and what actually needed to be discussed would take longer then necessary, there was no need for it yet it happened, thankfully though she didn't need to actually be there, she liked to see what happened but she would always leave after a few minutes of listening, otherwise she would probably fall asleep.

Saying a small goodbye to her husband and offering a few smiles to the other men of the court she left and found herself walking back to the chambers she shared with Arthur, her thoughts wandering as she thought of Merlin, her friend who she hadn't talked to in a while, she had heard from the knights that he was acting strange, almost upset like he was grieving for someone, she bit her lip as she wondered how to comfort him if there was something up, after all he would usually be cleaning the kings things up while he was in court.

She got to her chambers a little while later and was about to go in when she spotted him, he was crying but that wasn't what shocked her, it was clothes flying to their rightful places while a flourish of Merlin's hands, that wasn't even the shocking bit, it was the way his eyes turned Amber while he did it, after a few moments she saw him stop and his eyes turn back to normal, his eyes closed and more silent tears dropped from his eyes, she heard him mutter something that sounded like "screw my destiny" but she couldn't have been right.

A war now raged inside her very being, how long had Merlin kept the secret of him being a sorcerer to himself?

Was he a threat to Camelot and the King? but she knew the answer to the second one but she just hoped Arthur would. Merlin had never harmed the king, he had, had so many opportunitys and never used them, which could only mean he was loyal, couldn't it. With a harder bite of her lip she took off in the other direction from the court and made her way to the only man that would believe her.

Gaius.

xxxxxxxxx

Merlin opened his swollen red eyes once he had finished and saw a flash of red from behind the door, had someone been watching him? Blind panic filled his entire being as he looked around the room and noted it's perfection.

What had he done? he should have known better then use magic in front of a half open door, was he stupid like Arthur always told him?

He bit his cracked lips and thought for a moment, who had been watching him? why would they have been watching him? At this hour the knights would either be practicing or would be attending the boring council meeting.

There was no way it could be Arthur because his attendance at the meeting was mandatory, it could have been Gwen? although she was usually at the meetings it could have even been a servant, like the time he had conjured up the horse in the smoke all those years ago, but this time the servant would have actually seen him well there was a first for everything.

Without anymore thoughts he breezed out of the chambers and found himself wandering the way he had just come, only one person would know what to do in a time of dire need.

Giaus.


	5. An Idea

**((hey guys so i wrote this ages ago and just remembered about it, sorry for not uploading this sooner, i kind of was at a loss of what to write but i think this is ok, please as always tell me what you think in a review and if i need to make any changes or if you want to see something in the story that i haven't written yet.))**

The stone corridor echoed with the quick footsteps of boots on stone, the sound of a loud heart beat echoed in the hurried man, its beats becoming faster and faster every second that time went by.

The warlock was trying to find out if he needed to leave the castle, the castle that had been his home now for many years. Merlin had found himself there at the age of 18 and now at the age of 23 he was about to destroy everything he had ever built, how could he have been so stupid?

To use his magic in broad daylight, he knew the penalty for using magic, he had abided to it so many times, and he had even watched his friends/fellow magic users pay the price.

Gaius had always told him to be careful, that using magic would be the end of him. Maybe Gaius was right, maybe this was his fate. To die when Arthur needed him most.

There was the threat of Morgana and her little band of followers that she had brainwashed. Mordred had now joined the knights, so there was the added feature of not knowing what to do about the teenager. His head was spinning; it had been for the last few weeks.

Why did he have all the bad luck?

Maybe if he had just confessed to his fellow knights about being a warlock, maybe everything would have been fine? Although maybe not. Elyan hated magic, after all it was what killed his father, and Percival didn't seem to like it either. Gwaine seemed to always be drunk and well the others his head hurt too much to think.

The door was in his sight, his heart seemed to give a leap of faith as he pulled the door handle and was greeted by an empty room, no Gaius, where was he? A sad moan seemed to escape his lips.

Why was his mentor never there when he needed him? He helped Gaius out all the time but when he wanted his mentor to help him he couldn't be found. He bit his lip as he entered the chambers and closed the door as quietly as he could.

It was time to go, he couldn't keep pretending to people, especially to his friends, they trusted him with their lives but as soon as the truth got out they probably wouldn't. He couldn't even find the person and use a memory spell on them. What kind of warlock was he? He was meant to be the great and powerful warlock named Emrys, but that didn't seem to be true.

Maybe there was another person close to Arthur that could do his job just as good and protect him at the same time. Maybe the person wouldn't be useless. Maybe the other person would know how to protect him without getting caught doing a simple task with magic.

His mind seemed to reeling with ideas and sadness as he sat himself down and let his head rest on the hard wooden table. What was he going to do? Could he really leave Arthur? His destiny said that he couldn't. Besides destiny always seemed to be right in the eyes of kilgarrah.

Xxx

The feeling of uncertainty that took over Gwen's body was becoming stronger and stronger. Was she doing the right thing? What had she even seen?

Questions lined her mind. She had known Merlin ever since he had come to Camelot, she knew him better than anyone except for Gaius.

Why would he hide himself from people?

Surely he would have known that people would help him? That he wouldn't be hurt. The gentle queen sighed, why didn't he tell her? He could trust her, she was always asking him if anything was up and she always thought that she had gotten the truth out of him, instead she had never realised there was a whole other layer to the servant.

A layer that could potentially ruin his life. Her heels clicked together as she walked and soon after she had made her way to the chambers she was there. The situation demanded no knock so she pulled open the door handle and the door opened to reveal empty chambers.

Gaius was nowhere to be seen. What was she going to do? Gaius was closest to Merlin; he lived with Merlin and would probably be the only one who could shed a little light on the situation. With a bite of her lips she closed the door and decided to hide in the room (or wait) for whoever came through those doors next. Gaius was not here so it was probably safe presume that he was out in the lower city tending to the sick.

Arthur and the knights only came to the chambers to find Merlin and since the servant was meant to be tidying Arthur's chambers that's where the knights would look first. Only Merlin would come back to his own chambers. And with that thought the door opened to reveal the scared young man.

He looked frightened to say the least, with panicked glances around the room he just seemed to slump down on the wooden bench and well put his head in his hands, she had never seen him look so defeated, he was always the one with hope when there was no hope to be found, he always helped raise peoples spirits.

How could someone like that look so sad? It almost made her want to come out of her hiding place and comfort him but not knowing what he would do was the thing that made her stay. If he was really a sorcerer then there was no telling what he would do or what he had already done. In her heart she wished he was innocent.

She knew him or she thought she did. She still didn't believe that he would be able to do something to hurt anyone. But she had been wrong before. With a shake of her head she almost missed him. He seemed to raise his head up and mutter something untellable and move through the room almost like he was sweeping across it, he took nothing but was soon out the door muttering about somebody called Kilgarrah and about how this person would know what to do.


End file.
